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Tue, Apr. 7th, 2009, 12:24 am

omg....wtf am I doing anymore?! GUYS FUCKING SUCK!!!! I HATE them! Especially when they are drunk. Will and I went snowboarding with his friends from work today and I fell and got a cuncussion and was in quite a bit of pain. Then they went bowling all together and he got SHIT faced and I was assuming he would but come home after a couple hours....no! 4 hours later he is at one of his friends house still drinking and expects thats ok. he had no intention of coming home all night until he wanted to. so i sent him a text saying i think he is inconsiderate and only thinks about himself and all this stuff. so he calls me and tells me im a jerk for thinking that and tries to tell me that i am psycho for getting all mad about it. so i went and got him and he was being really really rude and mocking me and just being an ass hole! so i hit him and told him he is a waste of my time and went to walk out but cant! I dont want to leave him, and I know I have to! he is so bad for me. I love the kid to death, but he doesnt care about anyone by himself. he is selfish and he even has school tomorrow and I am sick of feeling broken hearted over A GUY!!! its fucked up! i literally wat to go beat the shit out of him right now. and thats not ok. I cant get this angry, I dont know how to handle it!! OMG!!! WHAT DO I DO!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? and there he is sleeping and snoring on the bed like he could care less about me!

Fri, Mar. 27th, 2009, 06:27 pm

I started trainging this week at ACS, tomorrow is my last day before my "weekend" It has been the most stressful week I have had in awhile! Tuesday night Ryan had some people over and they were so loud and my heart palpitations started again that night. I couldn't sleep the entire night because one, will was not with me, and two, I was paranoid over everything. I kept thinking Will was cheating on me and didn't want to be with me anymore. And so work on Wed was difficult. And ever since then I have not been able to catch up on sleep. I am exausted and tonight Will may be having friends over to party and it makes me angry and jealous. And I dont want to feel this way. I wanna be there and hang out, but I know I need sleep. I HATE being away from him. It's torture. At work I worte a bunch of stuff down that I was thinking about talking over with Will later (about how I have been feeling).

He talks to his friends (girls and guys) about what going on in his life with so much enthusiasm. But when he tells me I don't feel like he likes it, maybe because I am not giving him the responses that he wants to hear. Esp, louise. She is his "best friend" and he can tell her anything, but he never talks to me. EVER! It makes me feel useless.

When we argue and he gets mad at me, he completely shuts down and closes me out.

He makes me laugh all the time and makes me so happy and he prides himself on the fact that he can do that for me. But I don't feel like I make him happy at all. I feel like when I am in a bad mood or a jealous mood and bring things to him that bother me, thet I am letting him down. I feel like I have to be this perfect person for him or I'm going to lose him and I dont know why. I cant tell if its cause I am jealous of all his friends and I feel like there is competition or what? He is really good at showing me that he loves me for the most part, but then other times not so much.

We were doing really well, or I should say I was doing really well with letting my guard down and trusting him with my heart, and then one fight broke out and he was so cold to me. He made me feel like he didnt even care about me at all. And I put my guard right back up.

For the most part in my past relationship when I would fight with the other person it was really easy for me to just not care and leave. But with Will, if we are on bad terms then my head starts to go out of wack and my anxiety gets worse. I hate knowing that we are not ok all the time. I hate being away from him. Sometimes I wish I could just glue myself to his side and go everywhere with him just so I could tell him I loved him all the time and hold him. Its kinda sick but its really how I feel.

I trust Will to not cheat, I have always trusted my boyfriends to not cheat on me. The only thing I have ever been worried about was their true feelings. The last thing I want to do is make Wills life difficult by dealing with me so much that he stops loving me. Or he feels like he has to stay with me for some reason and really does not want to be with me.

I want to be his everything. I wanna take away his pain and be his sanctuary after a long, hard day and be the person he runs to to tell everything. I wanna be the one person he knows he can trust with anything and the one person he knows will always put a smile on his face. I wanna love him so much that he never needs to feel anyone elses love to suppliment for my lack. I wanna take all his fears and make it so he never has to worry about anything. I wanna make him so happy that when he is around other people his "shine" inspires them. I wanna be perfect for him so he cant help but love me back the same.

Yet, everytime I get down or negative or be mean to him or get jealous, I feel like I am just pushing him away and putting my guard up again. I feel like he is slowly maybe realizing that he doesnt love me as much as he thinks he does.

And I also feel crazy. Becasue it is impossible for one person to know everything about me and always know how I am feeling and cater to that emotion exactly how I want it catered to. I have these expectations of Will to always know what I want and how to treat me and talk to me, and that is unfair. And I dont want to become bitter towards him or resent him becasue he isnt meeting my expectations.

I wanna know with every part of my heart and soul that he loves me no matter what. Depressed, happy, morning, noon, and night. And I want to stop questioning everything.

I need to go to a couselor and maybe get on something for this anxiety. I can deal with depression, but not getting sleep, being paranoid, insecure, easily irritated, and anxious all the time lately is not working.

I just need to let my guard down, trust, and give Will everything I've got. I did it with Matt and yea, he fucked me over but if I dont ever let anyone get that part of me again I will never be truely happy. I want to do that for Will. I love him so much, but I cant stop thinking about all the red flags. The flirting, how closed off he is to me too, his anger...it scares me to death. So I guess I have a decision to make.

Tue, Mar. 17th, 2009, 07:10 pm

ok so this is about a week after I told will that I cheated on him with Brent. oye that was hard. I went to lunch with mac and meg and we were talking about my abortion and how it was about almost two years ago! and megan asked me if its true that it hurts alot. and I told her yeah that it hurt more than anything ive ever had to physically feel. and i would not recommend it to anyone because of the pain. but seriously. i would rather go through 5 more instinces of that pain then ever have to make will feel the pain i caused him that night. I seriously cant get over it. and so today I told will that i would be back at a certain time and i ended up talking longer than i thoguht with megan in her car outside of his house thinking he would see us, but it got him nervous thinking i was lying to him and something was going to happen similar to the other night. And so he is mad now and i am not really being sensitive to it at all cause im kinda pissed. oh and because i said that he could have the potential for htting me. That night i cheated on him he went around the neighborhood and vadalzed shit in other peoples property and that just proves that he is angry! and i feel like I have every right to think that he could possibly one day hurt me.

Then at lunch i find out a couple other things i never wanted to know about will. it makes me think differently about him now. megan used to be the most confident girl i have ever met. and then some time in the last 6 months something changed and she has become really insecure. and she said she was talking to her sister the other day about it and her sister mentioned something about it and asked her if it all satarted when will said something to her. and she said it clicked and she realized that comment will made to her made her start becoming more self conscience. Will called her butch once, aparently basing it on her legs!?!? and one time when they were camping she over heard him saying "she is a 21 year old and looks like she is 25 and she says she is 15 but shes prob like 160" and some of the other boys came over to her and said "dont worry meg you are a beautiful girl" and that broke my heart to think that my boyfirend could make someone that "he once had a crush on" feel that bad about herself. I dont even know what to think or say.

The kid has lots of problems. I know. he has had a rough childhood and it sucks! but he is sooo cocky and such an ass hole! I cant even believe people put up with. I think people are scared of him, megan admitted to being scared to go up and talk to him. She said that she thinks he wouldnt even care! and i agree with her completely. I dont think he would care. or he would and just not show it. he says im closed off? he is very much too!!! we never talk about anyhing going on with either of us. its like a constant elephant in the rooom! Its breaking my heart! and im jsut about sick of it. ill write later

Sat, Sep. 16th, 2006, 04:13 pm

so utah....IS AWSOME!! my room is amazing and colorful and amazing. im home alone alot cause matt and brent work 24/7 but last nighti went up to the resort and spent the night in a room with matthew. a romantic night that was much needed. it was sooo much fun. then brent came up later and they wouldnt go to sleep. they kept talking, well we, like we were 12 year old girls at a sleep over. it was funny. i think this place is gonna be sooo much fun. i just need a job and i need to start school so i can meet people.

matt and brent are racking in money, or will be when the season starts so we are all gonna go on a cruise next year like a happy little family! it should be fun.

but yea im pretty happy about everything right now. me and matt are doing better, we still need a lot of work but we'll get there. and im feeling pretty happy lately. but i do miss everyone at home a lot!! esp when i just stay at home by myself. but im sure everything will be better when i meet more people. im gonna go watch michigan beat the crap outa notre dame now!!

love yall

Wed, Jul. 5th, 2006, 10:08 am

I'm moving to utah people!!! :) and im sooooo excited. matt and brent are already out there and we have a cute house with three bedrooms and wiked cheap. and there are mountains everywhere. And I finally get to go to beauty school, and be with the love of my life...waht more could a girl ask for?? a puppy and to win the lottery but other than that!!! YEAH!!!

Tue, Jun. 27th, 2006, 10:56 pm

Isn't it funny that you can be so sure about something, and then a year later you look back and that "so sure" feeling is a regret or a loss or a lesson learned....if I could go back in time and re-do all my "so sures" my heart would probably be less broken and my head would work the right way. I wouldn't be so gosh darn indcisive or emotional or scared. And the worst part is im indecisive about my emotions, and thats what scares me. It doesnt even have anything to do with the people in my life really. I wish I wasn't so confussed and all over the place with everything. When I think about my past and different specific memories that stick out...I feel like I was a different person everytime. Like every boyfriend I've ever had I became what they wanted me to be and who I thought I should be. And then sometimes I'll go back and think about who I used to be and want that back and connect it with that boyfriend and realize that I cant be that Lisa without him. I just wanna be me no matter what. And I think thats what makes it so hard for me to get over people. Becasue its like when I become that new person I do it for and with that guy. And then when I think about who I want to be as a person and it has to do with when I was with a guy, then I cant do it. cause im dependent. There is no "Lisa O'Brien". theres a lisa obrien the girl friend of "so and so". I'm so terrified to be myself, and be independent, and not have someone always there that loves me, and stand up for myself....which is probably why I always get taken advantage of. I wanna be strong, and confident, and happy with myself, and know that i dont need a guy to be worth something. I wanna say no and have an opinion and say it and not keep quiet or not say anything because im scared that they'll leave. THATS WHAT FUCKS ME UP!!! i always do this. Change for guys and then get bitter about them and end up hating them. I have some serious past issues to deal with. I was so robbed of my self worth and respect at the most critical time of my life. And now im screwed. I wanna know that even if i miss a day at the gym, im still attractive, and if i eat a cookie or chips that im good enough to keep them in my stomach. And I want to love myself enough to stop playing this pity lisa game!!!!!!!!!! but i cant ....i cant control it. its like im possesed. theres something in me always putting me down and knocking around my emotions. i just want it to go away....

Sat, Apr. 15th, 2006, 07:35 pm

It started as a whisper
Almost too silent to hear
Telling me his secrets
Quietly in my ear
Then it grew louder
Until it became a shout
And now it's so foreceful
I can't tune it out
He tells me people will like me
If I lose more weight
And tells me that he's proud
When I don't finish my whole plate
He tells me that I need to get out
And exercise more
And tells me what not to buy
While at the grocery store
I have tried to fight
But he will not accept defeat
He continues to try
And tell me what to eat
How do I fight
A faceless voice in my head
To start by not listening
To what he just said

Mon, Feb. 27th, 2006, 08:24 pm
ahhh more stuff more stuff...

My dad got fired from his job. So we have to sell the house and be very thoughtful of how we spend money. It sucks cause I would really like to say I can help out, but noooo I quit my job cause me new job(pledging) is time consuming times 1000000. And I just feel really bad for my dad cause its over the gayest reason and yea its just not cool when your jobless and familyless considering his wife (my mom) is always going away on business trips and me and jill are at school. but ill get to spend some quality time with him this spring break!! :)

Matt is leaving on tuesday, as in 1 WEEK. NOT COOL. and tomorrow hell be in boston for two days and then thurs or fri hes going to concord to see his dad and friends then boston on sunday then concord to see his dad 1 more time and then i have monday night to say bye. so basically i have one more night with him. it sucks cause apart from the fact that we are dating, hes been there for me through out pledging and even through school and everything else that is going on. i wont have anyone to come home to at night and vent and just get a hug from. its gonna be so hard. on top of me not being able to talk to him on the phone...thats a pretty messed up rule if you ask me. but i guess he has emial and we can write to each other. ill be busyenough for the time to fly by. but im wicked sad :(

I cant wait for sring break. I want to not thinkm about school and just have a good time with my friends and family. but liz d jill court EVERYONE are all going away. poo poo on them!!! but it will be a good break and maybe my stomch with start liking me again...stress sucks

but on a more happier note. I love my pledge mates. every one of them. they are all so different and its sooo much fun when we are together. we laugh soo much and just have a lot of respect for each other. i love it. im so happy i am pledging...well for the friends part at least...the rest i could do without. but yea, im a pretty ahppy girl when they are around. thats the only thing keepin me going.

last note=my car sucks!!

peace and love

Mon, Feb. 20th, 2006, 04:37 pm
why me?

Everything just seems to hit me all at once...My life sucks today. I didnt go to work this weekend cause i was mad busy doing pledging stuff and im not going tonight, cause im quitting, but more than anything i need money. My car got towed this morning from holloway lot cause i forgot i left it there and that costed me 65. then i got a parking violation for 25. and i owe phi sig dues for 85. ARG i dont have that money right now. and my cars exaust holder thing is rusted off and i have to pay 47 to get a new one and my blinker light is going out. blaa...i swear the world is out to get me. thank god for friends and an awsome dad!!! :)

Tue, Feb. 14th, 2006, 09:00 pm

So quite a bit has happened since my last update....to start it off, im pregnant. hahahaha no way just kidding!!! :) Okay for real now. I am pledging a sorority on campus, Phi Sigma Sigma. It's a five week process and today is the second day. But I'm really excited. At first I had some mixed feelings about it, but my class is amazing, i love the girls. And they are getting a new house and I think i might want to live there next semester, i just dont know what to do about erica.

So for the boring stuff, i still work at olive garden and i only worl mon and fri nights. even though they schedule me for sat too, but i never show up. we'll see if they catch on and fire me or not, but the good news is that im going otbe trianing to be a host instead of a busser cause i hate bussing and i feel like im very disrespceted. so yea, good choice.

Me and matt are doing ok i guess. Today was valentines day, and the other night he bought me a chocolate cake (in which i already finished) and wrote happy v-day babe on it. and this morning he made me a wicked cute card!!! but he didnt go to work and make money, so bla whatever...stupid boy sometimes. but rumor has it that he is going into the army. lol. no jk. he is. i just dont know when, cause he still has to go and get his physical test done and he has some dental and other probs, so they might postpone his enlistment. but we'll see. it will be really sad cause hell be gone fore 5 years, being all active and stuff, and to be honest (cause i know your wondering) i dont know whats gonna happen with us. its hard to tell. all i know is that he puts a smile on my face everyday and i love him for so many reasons that sometimes i dont even understand. so i guess (as the christians would say) "ill put it in God's hands"

School is sooooo hard this sememster. i have sooo many tough classes and i cant even deal. but i hope tp god that i get a good GPA cuase im gonna need it when i go apply for my internship. rar. screw school. at lease i have more otovation then last time. but to tell you the truth, im all ready for spring break to come NOW!! i just wish i was going somewhere fun. but oh well. self reflection time and poem book time!!

anywho, i think thats about it. my emotions are all over the place lately...scary. but ill be okay,, i always am. peace and love.

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