10 most recent
Tue, Apr. 7th, 2009, 12:24 am
omg....wtf am I doing anymore?! GUYS FUCKING SUCK!!!! I HATE them! Especially when they are drunk. Will and I went snowboarding with his friends from work today and I fell and got a cuncussion and was in quite a bit of pain. Then they went bowling all together and he got SHIT faced and I was assuming he would but come home after a couple hours....no! 4 hours later he is at one of his friends house still drinking and expects thats ok. he had no intention of coming home all night until he wanted to. so i sent him a text saying i think he is inconsiderate and only thinks about himself and all this stuff. so he calls me and tells me im a jerk for thinking that and tries to tell me that i am psycho for getting all mad about it. so i went and got him and he was being really really rude and mocking me and just being an ass hole! so i hit him and told him he is a waste of my time and went to walk out but cant! I dont want to leave him, and I know I have to! he is so bad for me. I love the kid to death, but he doesnt care about anyone by himself. he is selfish and he even has school tomorrow and I am sick of feeling broken hearted over A GUY!!! its fucked up! i literally wat to go beat the shit out of him right now. and thats not ok. I cant get this angry, I dont know how to handle it!! OMG!!! WHAT DO I DO!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? and there he is sleeping and snoring on the bed like he could care less about me!
Fri, Mar. 27th, 2009, 06:27 pm
I started trainging this week at ACS, tomorrow is my last day before my "weekend" It has been the most stressful week I have had in awhile! Tuesday night Ryan had some people over and they were so loud and my heart palpitations started again that night. I couldn't sleep the entire night because one, will was not with me, and two, I was paranoid over everything. I kept thinking Will was cheating on me and didn't want to be with me anymore. And so work on Wed was difficult. And ever since then I have not been able to catch up on sleep. I am exausted and tonight Will may be having friends over to party and it makes me angry and jealous. And I dont want to feel this way. I wanna be there and hang out, but I know I need sleep. I HATE being away from him. It's torture. At work I worte a bunch of stuff down that I was thinking about talking over with Will later (about how I have been feeling).
He talks to his friends (girls and guys) about what going on in his life with so much enthusiasm. But when he tells me I don't feel like he likes it, maybe because I am not giving him the responses that he wants to hear. Esp, louise. She is his "best friend" and he can tell her anything, but he never talks to me. EVER! It makes me feel useless.
When we argue and he gets mad at me, he completely shuts down and closes me out.
He makes me laugh all the time and makes me so happy and he prides himself on the fact that he can do that for me. But I don't feel like I make him happy at all. I feel like when I am in a bad mood or a jealous mood and bring things to him that bother me, thet I am letting him down. I feel like I have to be this perfect person for him or I'm going to lose him and I dont know why. I cant tell if its cause I am jealous of all his friends and I feel like there is competition or what? He is really good at showing me that he loves me for the most part, but then other times not so much.
We were doing really well, or I should say I was doing really well with letting my guard down and trusting him with my heart, and then one fight broke out and he was so cold to me. He made me feel like he didnt even care about me at all. And I put my guard right back up.
For the most part in my past relationship when I would fight with the other person it was really easy for me to just not care and leave. But with Will, if we are on bad terms then my head starts to go out of wack and my anxiety gets worse. I hate knowing that we are not ok all the time. I hate being away from him. Sometimes I wish I could just glue myself to his side and go everywhere with him just so I could tell him I loved him all the time and hold him. Its kinda sick but its really how I feel.
I trust Will to not cheat, I have always trusted my boyfriends to not cheat on me. The only thing I have ever been worried about was their true feelings. The last thing I want to do is make Wills life difficult by dealing with me so much that he stops loving me. Or he feels like he has to stay with me for some reason and really does not want to be with me.
I want to be his everything. I wanna take away his pain and be his sanctuary after a long, hard day and be the person he runs to to tell everything. I wanna be the one person he knows he can trust with anything and the one person he knows will always put a smile on his face. I wanna love him so much that he never needs to feel anyone elses love to suppliment for my lack. I wanna take all his fears and make it so he never has to worry about anything. I wanna make him so happy that when he is around other people his "shine" inspires them. I wanna be perfect for him so he cant help but love me back the same.
Yet, everytime I get down or negative or be mean to him or get jealous, I feel like I am just pushing him away and putting my guard up again. I feel like he is slowly maybe realizing that he doesnt love me as much as he thinks he does.
And I also feel crazy. Becasue it is impossible for one person to know everything about me and always know how I am feeling and cater to that emotion exactly how I want it catered to. I have these expectations of Will to always know what I want and how to treat me and talk to me, and that is unfair. And I dont want to become bitter towards him or resent him becasue he isnt meeting my expectations.
I wanna know with every part of my heart and soul that he loves me no matter what. Depressed, happy, morning, noon, and night. And I want to stop questioning everything.
I need to go to a couselor and maybe get on something for this anxiety. I can deal with depression, but not getting sleep, being paranoid, insecure, easily irritated, and anxious all the time lately is not working.
I just need to let my guard down, trust, and give Will everything I've got. I did it with Matt and yea, he fucked me over but if I dont ever let anyone get that part of me again I will never be truely happy. I want to do that for Will. I love him so much, but I cant stop thinking about all the red flags. The flirting, how closed off he is to me too, his anger...it scares me to death. So I guess I have a decision to make.
Tue, Mar. 17th, 2009, 07:10 pm
ok so this is about a week after I told will that I cheated on him with Brent. oye that was hard. I went to lunch with mac and meg and we were talking about my abortion and how it was about almost two years ago! and megan asked me if its true that it hurts alot. and I told her yeah that it hurt more than anything ive ever had to physically feel. and i would not recommend it to anyone because of the pain. but seriously. i would rather go through 5 more instinces of that pain then ever have to make will feel the pain i caused him that night. I seriously cant get over it. and so today I told will that i would be back at a certain time and i ended up talking longer than i thoguht with megan in her car outside of his house thinking he would see us, but it got him nervous thinking i was lying to him and something was going to happen similar to the other night. And so he is mad now and i am not really being sensitive to it at all cause im kinda pissed. oh and because i said that he could have the potential for htting me. That night i cheated on him he went around the neighborhood and vadalzed shit in other peoples property and that just proves that he is angry! and i feel like I have every right to think that he could possibly one day hurt me.
Then at lunch i find out a couple other things i never wanted to know about will. it makes me think differently about him now. megan used to be the most confident girl i have ever met. and then some time in the last 6 months something changed and she has become really insecure. and she said she was talking to her sister the other day about it and her sister mentioned something about it and asked her if it all satarted when will said something to her. and she said it clicked and she realized that comment will made to her made her start becoming more self conscience. Will called her butch once, aparently basing it on her legs!?!? and one time when they were camping she over heard him saying "she is a 21 year old and looks like she is 25 and she says she is 15 but shes prob like 160" and some of the other boys came over to her and said "dont worry meg you are a beautiful girl" and that broke my heart to think that my boyfirend could make someone that "he once had a crush on" feel that bad about herself. I dont even know what to think or say.
The kid has lots of problems. I know. he has had a rough childhood and it sucks! but he is sooo cocky and such an ass hole! I cant even believe people put up with. I think people are scared of him, megan admitted to being scared to go up and talk to him. She said that she thinks he wouldnt even care! and i agree with her completely. I dont think he would care. or he would and just not show it. he says im closed off? he is very much too!!! we never talk about anyhing going on with either of us. its like a constant elephant in the rooom! Its breaking my heart! and im jsut about sick of it. ill write later
Sat, Sep. 16th, 2006, 04:13 pm
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